Confessions
by Chelsea1
Summary: Post "Wrecked", a night of confessions. Buffy & Tara share a moment of truth while Willow & Spike talk about their fears. (Shipless)


Confessions

Author: Chelsea

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Fox and I'm sure there are others own the rights to them.

Spoiler: Major spoilers for all of season 6.

Rating: PG

Summary: Post "Wrecked", a night of confessions, Buffy and Tara shared a moment of truth while Willow and Spike talked about their fears. (Not a ship fic) 

Note: A great big thank you to my wonderful beta reader Kate. 

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Buffy's POV

I slipped inside the house, trying to be as quiet as I can possibly be. I'm home, the place that has been my sanctuary for the last five years. The place where I have been running to for comfort, for understanding, for forgiveness. I have taken care of the people in this house just as they have taken care of me. This is my home. 

I did not bother to turn on the lights; I did not need to. I know this place like the back of my hand. I can tell you how many steps it takes from the door to the stairs. I tiptoed across the carpeted living room, trying to be as quiet as a mouse. I tried to hurry up the stairs. I just wanted get into the shower; I just wanted to feel clean again. I've never felt so dirty in my life, not even after Parker.

I tripped on the bottom step of the stairs. I guess I didn't know this house as well as I thought I did. My hand went out and caught the railing. I slipped but didn't fall. I looked up the stairs, thankful that all was still quiet. I wasn't prepared when all of a sudden, the light came on, eliminating the darkness.

"Willow?"

I turned around quickly at the sound. My surprise on seeing the two people huddled on the couch was quickly replaced by concern. I looked at my sister, peacefully sleeping in the protective embrace of Tara. Tara had her left arm around Dawn and her right hand still on the switch of the lamp by the couch.

"Buffy, I'm sorry." Tara started to apologize. I don't know why she felt the need to for she knew she was welcomed in my house. I have already told her so, especially when she's obviously here taking care of my sister again while I was…

I tossed my hair back, put on a fake smile and made my way back across the living room. I kneeled down before the couch and gently removed Dawn from Tara. I smiled in sympathy as she massaged her shoulder, obviously tired from having my sister's head on her shoulder for god only knows how long. 

I lay Dawn down on the couch as Tara got up and took a seat on another chair. I pulled off my jacket and covered Dawn with it.

"So I take it Willow hasn't come home yet?"

Tara shook her head slowly and then all of a sudden her eyes widened as she stared at me in confusion.

I looked down at myself and realized why. My shirt is torn with a couple of the buttons missing, the zipper on my skirt is broken, and my legs are bare. I glanced at the mirror above the mantle and saw the reflection of myself. Haunted eyes messed up hair, half of my make up is gone, I looked like someone who's been rolling around in the hay. I turned away from the mirror. I really don't need to be reminded of what I have done…again.

I saw the questions in her eyes and the events of the night came tumbling back. I could have told her lies, I could have told her I was doing my sacred slayer duty, I could have told her I went face to face with a demon. This is the Hellmouth, I could have told her a lot of things, but I didn't.

Instead I told her the truth, my version of it. 

She listened without interrupting me. Her blues eyes alternated between disbelief and confusion. Her accelerated breathing, her eyes blinking rapidly, her hands tightened, wrapped around her shirt. I knew she didn't understand why I did what I did; I didn't really understand it myself.

"One minute I was trying to kill him, really I was. But the next moment, I just threw myself at him. I was overwhelmed with this incredible desire to just be with him. He understood me. He was the only one who did. While all of you just wanted to pretend everything was fine, he understood. I needed that connection."  


Tara grabbed my hand and her lips quivered. "I'm sorry. I…"

"It's okay." I patted the back of her hand. She has always been sweet. I used to think she and Willow made the perfect couple. Both are caring, sincere individuals, but now…now I'm not sure. "It wasn't your fault."  


"It wasn't Willow's either Buffy. She just wanted you back so much…"  


Still defending her lover, I hope Willow realized how lucky she was.

"I know." I thought about what I've been told a couple of nights ago, and in spite of the warmth from the central heating, I started to shiver. "Spike…Spike told me something else. He said I came back wrong."

"No!"  


"I don't know Tara. He could hit me and not feel the pain." I said softy, remembering every punch, every kick. I know I still carried some of the bruises, but I also know they will heal quickly. Outward wounds usually do, it's those wounds invisible to the human eyes, buried deep within me that continued to torment me. "Maybe that's why I did I what I did. Maybe that's why it was easier to talk to him instead of to my friends. I am a…demon."

"No, Buffy, no…"

"I don't love him. I'm certain that I don't, but I feel a kinship as if we are the same. Last year, I told him he was beneath me, and I really meant it at the time. But tonight I felt like he was what I deserved. I reached out to him so I could feel a sense of belonging. It is something that I haven't felt in a long time, not since I've been back." 

My voice cracked a little. I am surprised I have not started to cry. I felt so empty inside. I wanted nothing more than to just lay down and disappear, back to that place where I was happy, where there's no violence, no hatred, no demons, where there was nothing but peace. That place where I was so brutally torn away from. 

Tara was still staring at me speechless. She gulped and I knew she was trying to find something comforting to say. I shook my head at her; there was nothing she could say to make me feel better. It was enough that she was here to listen to my confession.

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Tara's POV

I know. I'm here again, hoping that she'd come home just so that I could catch a glimpse of her. Pathetic, huh? But I love her, and even though it was my decision to leave, I still miss her.

I was disappointed when I saw it was only Buffy, but I could tell that something had happened to her. I don't know why I'm surprised by what she told me. I mean, Spike has been after her for a long time. When someone is persistent enough, he can usually gets what he's after. 

"Buffy, don't do this to yourself, maybe, maybe you do love him and…"  


She turned back to me and I could see the vacant look in her eyes. "I don't think so. People…people I love leave me. Angel, Riley…I can't afford to get involved with someone I love again. I just can't go through that pain again."

I didn't know what to say to her. I felt bad because I think we have somehow failed her. I had my reservations when Willow wanted to bring her back. I should have stopped it. I looked at Buffy; I always thought she was so strong that nothing could ever hurt her. I was wrong. I don't know why she confided in me. I'd like to think that because I was a friend, but I know it's only because I was here. Just like…Spike was there for her when no one else was.

Her and Spike, I still shiver just thinking about it. It is not a healthy relationship. I know he loves her, but his demon wants to own her. She deserves a give and take relationship, not ownership. But who am I to criticize her on her choice of men? Look at where I am now. I thought of Willow, my other half. I loved her, so much, and it hurts to know that I wasn't enough for her. She had to go look for more. Why couldn't I be enough for her?

Buffy was still staring at me like she expected me to tell her everything will be fine. I know it won't, and I can't lie to her. I was not prepared to spend this night comforting her when I'm so much in need of comfort myself. I knew I was being selfish, but I couldn't help it. I changed the subject. 

"So, where is Willow?"

She looked at me for a long time, and I know she needed the time to gather her thoughts. 

"She's not here?" She frowned. "She promised she won't do magic again. After what happened with Dawn, I think I believe her. She had a total breakdown last night Tara. I think she has finally learned that magic isn't the answer to everything." She grabbed my hand, "I think you should give her another chance."

"It's not that simple." I choked but continued with difficulty. " Magic isn't something that you can pick up and then drop off when it becomes inconvenient. It's in her system, and she's so powerful…even if she really wanted to leave it all behind, I don't think it will let her."

"You can help her Tara, make her understand…"

"NO!" I almost screamed, and when I saw her staring at me in total surprise, I knew I had to be honest. She's right, maybe this is a night for confessions. 

"It isn't just her Buffy. It's me."

"You?" 

"I…I want to…I wish I could…I wish I could be like her."

"What?"

"She has so much natural power inside of her just waiting to emerge. I can't do a tenth of what she can do. Whenever we do a spell together, I know it's her energy that makes it work. I want that kind of power."

I sneaked a look at the slayer and saw her watching me in stunned silence.

Yes, I am admitting it now. I want it, and I'm afraid by the intensity of that need. I've seen how it has consumed Willow, changed her, but I still want it.

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Willow's POV

I made my way listlessly across the cemetery. I found her grave, the one that still has Buffy's name on it. I sat down and leaned my head against the tombstone. 

I don't know how long I've been sitting there, and I really don't care. I just sat there; trying to recreate the last five years, the changes in me was astonishing. Me, Willow Rosenberg, the quiet, least likely to attract attention girl from high school had now grown into someone who's attracting the attention of the worst kind.

Last night's event came back to haunt me over and over again. When I think of what could have happened to Dawn, I pitched forward and emptied my stomach along the graveside. I leaned back, uncaring of where I am, the time of the day or anything else. 

I didn't even flinch when I felt a cold hand on my face, turning me up to face him. I expected fangs and was rather surprised to see blue eyes looking at me in question.

"What are you doing here Willow?"

I didn't answer. I didn't know how. All I wanted was for him to go away so that I could continue to wallow in self-pity.

But he didn't, go away that is. Instead he sat down beside me, gripped my chin roughly and turned me to face him. It hurts, but that's okay, I can handle the pain. It makes me feel alive. I know my expression revealed nothing because I felt nothing. Maybe I should say I felt like I was nothing.

"What the hell happened to you?" 

I knew he wasn't concerned about me, just curious. The amazing thing about Spike is his capacity to love and to protect those he loves. Right now I'm at the bottom of his totem pole because I have hurt the people he loves.

I stared back at him, "Life."

"Did you try to pull another spell?" He asked. 

I don't know why, but he sounded angry. After this whole fiasco of bringing back Buffy, I thought he would be the one most happy with the result. I'm not blind; I've seen how she defers more and more to him ever since she has been back. She goes to him when she needed help or reassurance while we are tiptoeing around trying to act like nothing is wrong. 

I continued to stare at him and could feel the difference in him. He's carrying with him a sense of…smugness but also a sense of hurt. All of a sudden I made the quantum leap. It's Buffy. I'm almost certain that they had been together in the biblical sense. I don't know how I feel about that yet, but he should be pleased and yet he is not. 

"Spell? Everything used to be so simple. Do a spell Will, get rid of the demon. Do a spell Will, tire him out for us. Do a spell Will, give Angel his soul back. Do a spell Will…."

I felt like he was trying to see right into my soul. I know he has been a little more understanding than the rest, but still, he couldn't have understood, no one could.

This is a night for confessions. Maybe it was the darkness, maybe because I feel more in touch with the darkness within, or it could simply be because I knew he wouldn't judge me. "How did everything that started with such good intentions ended up so wrong?"

"Willow, I can't help you unless you tell me what's going on." He was starting to sound impatient. Part of me wanted him to just go away, but part of me wanted him to stay. I haven't been able to talk to anybody lately because I didn't think anyone would understand. With Spike…I don't know, maybe I just needed an ear, sympathetic or otherwise. 

"You can't help me." I said softly. "I don't even know when everything started to go wrong. It's like I've opened up this flood gate, and now there's nothing I can do to shut it again."

"Magic isn't the answer to everything Willow. You've got to learn to control it instead of letting it control you. I have lived a long time, and I have seen a lot of magic gone wrong. I've lived with magic for over a century. I understand how it can consume a person."

I know he was still watching me, probably trying to figure out how badly I've screwed up. Could I possibly tell him? Explain to him how the devil had reached out and took away a part of me? Would he understand what I have lost? I've traded in my self-respect, my own self-worth, the very essence of me for what? I stared at him, he's supposed to be the soulless demon, so why did I feel like the one left without the halo? I could see his features so clearly in the moonlight, but I have trouble seeing myself.

"Tell me Spike, what does it feel like to not have a soul?"

"Willow…you didn't do anything stupid. Did you?"

I took a deep breath to stop myself from crying. I pulled my knees up to my chest and put my chin on top on my kneecaps. "I think maybe I've just sold my soul."

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Spike's POV

After Buffy had slammed out of the crypt, once again telling me that it would never happen again, I had followed her out. I needed to get out of the confine of the crypt. I don't know why I am surprised. She has been going hot and cold on me for a long time now. I know she has some feelings for me, but I also feel her intense disgust. Disgust…I disgust her.

My wandering had brought me to the little witch. Was it only last night that she had put Dawn in jeopardy? I could have killed her then, I wanted to hurt her for hurting Dawn, but then she just broke down, and instead of hating her, I felt sorry for her. She's just a little girl, lost and trying to find her way out again. I remember that feeling. I wish I could help her. What am I saying? I don't want to help her. I have enough problems of my own.

I looked at her, totally unprepared for the words that tumbled out of her mouth. "What?"

"My soul, I don't think I'm in possession of it any more." 

I continued to stare at her, unable to formulate a word. I don't know why of all people, she's telling me this. I don't know what to say. 

"The soul, the thing that's supposed to guide our conscience?" She closed her eyes for a moment and when she opened them again, I could see those green eyes had turned glassy. But she made an effort to control them, and after sniffling for a bit, she pushed those tears away. "You don't have one, yet you managed to love. You have more capacity to love than anyone I've known."

This is a night for surprises. Willow had always been a bit of an enigma. With the slayer, I always know what to expect from her, but with Willow…one has to dig deep in order to catch a glimpse of the real her. My only comfort is that she is here, and not in some magic crack house. That at least is a good sign. 

Before I could form a reply, she continued. "Maybe that's why you are angry all the time." She looked up at me and I felt like she was trying to tap into my soul. Wait, I forgot, I don't have one. 

"You give one hundred percent of yourself when you are in love, and it hurts when that person doesn't love you with equal intensity."

"You think you know me?" It came out as a snarl. I couldn't help it, but she's getting too close to home. I also know that she's not fishing. She's telling me she knows.

She gave me that look, the one where she's smiling while sucking in her lower lip. The one that says she knows exactly what's she saying. 

"You don't know me." 

"Why are you here Spike?"

"I figured I better keep an eye on you before someone decided to make a meal out of you."

She ignored my sarcasm. "What happened with you and Buffy that drove you out wandering?"

I ran a tired hand through my hair. Is the girl psychic? "Nothing."

Again I was met with a look of disbelief. "She…she doesn't know what she wants. It's the same old story every time. She comes to me, then trashes me, then leaves. I don't understand her Willow."

I don't know why I am telling her, but somehow she was there, and I needed to talk. I saw something flashed across those green eyes. I hope it wasn't pity. 

"I don't think she understands herself right now." Willow sighed. "There're too much in the past for her to jump forward. She doesn't want to love you Spike. I don't know if she does or not. To be honest, I don't think she does. Don't, I'm not trying to hurt you. But if you think she'll be there to share your life, then you are deluding yourself. She might come to you, but then she'll leave berating herself. There's a certain…code of honor that comes with being the slayer. She broke it once; I don't think she would willingly break it again."

"Slayers have feelings just like vampires and witches." I glared at her. I know it's not her fault, but I needed an outlet for my frustration. Right now I almost hated her for her…honesty. "Why does she need to hate herself for wanting me? I don't want to love her, but I've accepted it, why couldn't she?"

I am not sure if that tug at the corner of her mouth was supposed to be a smile or a grimace, maybe a little of both.

"Because you let your heart guide you. You break the rules and you don't care as long as you get what you want. Buffy is different. Her job is killing vampires and demons. She's a slayer. She is not supposed to fall in love with them. She will not, she can not allow herself to fall in love with you willingly." She sighed again. "Angel…Angel stole part of her heart before she even realized that he was a vampire. You…she had always known. I honestly don't know what she feels for you, but her feelings for Angel was more…unconditional. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?"

I understood. I think underneath it all, I have always understood. I am almost afraid to admit that that was part of the attraction. The self-destructive part of me that wanted what I couldn't have, I have always been a bit of a masochist. 

I glared at the little witch and without another word, got up and walked away. Dawn is coming; I could feel it in the air. I have opened up to her this night just as she had done with me. I know what she wanted from me, the reassurance that she still has control of her soul, of her life. She understood what I needed, the reassurance that my love is not all one sided. I couldn't give her what she wanted, and she couldn't give me what I needed. It doesn't matter that I haven't admitted to anything; I know she knows. I could see it in her eyes.

End


End file.
